It's About Time

I'm feeling a little down.

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  Honestly.  I'm one of those people that go, go, go.  I have a hard time stopping.  Even to read a book, or take a walk, or breath.  I don't take baths (well for 2 reasons, I can't relax, I just think about everything I could be getting done, and it gets really HOT in there :), I don't nap (maybe once and a while but there are so many other things I could be doing), I don't do any me things.  I feel guilty if Tim watches the kids so that I can go shopping.  I feel guilty  about so many things that I shouldn't.  And this is the truth.  I have a few issues.

I stopped doing cakes because they were making me crazy.  I think I cried over the past 10 orders because something just went wrong, or I was dealing with a temperamental client, or I'd get impatient with the kids because they'd be trying their hardest to get into my frosting.

With taking less orders and then eventually (I have 3 orders left, possible 4) being done, I've had a lot of extra time.  I didn't rest.  The first week I didn't have an order, I tore my house apart to organize it.   Top to bottom.  You'd think I would have sat on the couch with bon bons and a bottle of wine with my feet up.

What is wrong with me?  I don't expect you to answer or comment, well because you can't.  But, I'm just trying to figure it out.  Because since the cakes, I've had time to really pick up my camera and take some pictures.  And I love it.  Love it.  I'm passionate about it. 

I've learned more and just want to keep learning.  It's so much fun, and challenging.  Boy is it challenging.  There are ah hah moments all the time.

But I've posted many of my pictures on Facebook, just to share with family and friends.  And I've had quite a few people tell me I should do it professionally.  Tim has been pushing me to do it for months and months now.  He thinks I'm awesome (and I'm never going to tell him otherwise ;).  So I thought about it, and thought about it.  And decided to do it.

I offered 6 free shoots to get a portfolio going and I had enough within 10 minutes.  Of course everyone loves something free so I can't assume they all think I'm amazing, lol)

And by the way.  Do I think I'm great?  No.  Do I think I'm an amazing photographer?  Absolutely not.  Do I know everything there is to know about starting a photography business?  Uh, no, no, no.  Do I have all the right equipment to start up this business?  Not at all.

What I do know is that I can capture the moment.  I do have an artistic quality that grows with each time I snap.  I do know that I love it.  I do know that there are so many people telling me how awesome my stuff is and how they've been pushing me into it.

Guess what I didn't factor in?  Childcare.  How am I possibly going to find someone that will come watch the kids for me when I want to shoot in the best light?  It ain't noon people.  You all know that.  And it's weekends.

It's not like the cake business when I could do everything from home.  This is out on location.  Unless of course I was rolling in cash and could build a studio from the ground up in my teeny tiny backyard.

So now I'm kind of sad.  I was really, really looking forward to it.  I will probably still do these shoots for people but that's if my Mom wants to watch the kids.  I can't even ask her to watch the kids that much.  That's a little much.  And I think it's selfish on my part.

I think I need to force myself to take a breather.  Start enjoying those walks, and pick up a good book.  Do crafts with the kids and not look at the clock thinking why is this taking so long, I have work to do.  My kids are getting so big.  And I feel like I haven't been the best Mom.  I feel like I've been selfish.  By doing so much, I feel like I took valuable time away from them.  Why am I just now figuring this out?

I don't want to feel like I'm missing out.  I want to take a break from everything.  And just be a Mom.  Oh and work my real job, you know the one that pays me?  And not stress out about anything.

I asked Tim why I can't just take a break.  Why did I jump into something else before I'm even done with the first thing?  Why can't I just rest? 

I decided I'll try to do something as a hobby for once.  I don't have to make everything into a profession right?  I think I will though, one day.  When my kids start to dislike me tremendously and I'm no longer the best thing ever.  When I'm not Mommy anymore.  When I'm just 'Mom' and my kids would rather be out playing with their friends then sitting in the kitchen coloring with Mommy.

Then I'll pick it back up and start that business.  I want to.  And by then, I'll have awesome equipment, and tons of locations to choose from.  And in the meantime, I'll do some stuff for friends and family, to keep a portfolio going.  But no advertising.  Until my kids hate my guts.

Until then, I'll be a Princess with my girls, and we'll paint our toes.  And make cookies.  And watch movies.  And make memories.

Because that is what life is all about.  That is what makes life so special, and beautiful.
It's about time.