Disclaimer: The writer of this post is completely sarcastic and has not a clue what she is talking about. She is far from being a professional and knows nothing about cutting hair. At one point she let her daughter cut her own hair, you can read about that here. This person can't be trusted.
Welcome to Give Your Kids a Haircut 101. I am your instructor Kristi Rush and I will be walking you through the correct steps of cutting your kid's hair. I know it can be a stressful situation especially if you have no experience whatsoever. Hopefully after reading this tutorial you will be able to get your own kid's hair cut with ease and confidence, and most importantly stress free. Please read through all of the instructions first before actually taking a scissor to your kid's head. Trust me.
1. Make sure that you have all the right tools. A pair of scissors is a must and it doesn't even really matter what kind you use. Even a pair of craft scissors will work if you don't have shears. Just make sure you don't use those scrapbooking scissors with the really cool edges, you know like the ones that will cut a wavy line, like these...
unless of course you are going for that look. You will also need a comb and something to hold pieces of hair up. These are the tools that I used...
2. Set up a stool somewhere, like your bathroom, or kitchen, or outside if the weather is good. It doesn't matter if you are on a level surface because your child will move around so much that putting them on a slant might make your outcome better.
3. Make sure that your stool is broken. Just because mine is. Not to worry though, I fixed it well enough so that my child wouldn't fall to the floor.
4. If you have more than one child that you will be giving a haircut, be sure to start with the youngest and most wiggliest child first. It will be good practice and it's best to get the hard one out of the way first. Why warm up on the easy child? That would just be silly.
5. Wet the child's hair completely and set her up on the stool. To wet the hair, use a spray bottle, put them in the tub, or just pour a full bucket of water over the top of their head. It doesn't matter if you get the hair all wet or not, it's all about personal preference.
6. Comb out most of the tangles and just use your scissors to cut out the knots that the comb can't get out. I mean you already have the scissors handy, you should get a feel for how they snip.
6. Pin up some of your child's hair. It doesn't matter if you part it perfectly, all the hair is going to be one length anyway (hopefully). And comb this hair straight.
7. Make your first cut. It doesn't matter where, it's just a starting point. You will want all the hair to be cut to this length.
8. You'll start to trim the hair all to this length all the while your child is squirming, screaming, and doesn't listen when you tell her to keep her head straight. The oldest child will be dancing around your first child being constant entertainment for the wiggly one in your chair. This is kind of hard because the wiggly one doesn't just keep her head straight and follow the oldest one's dance moves with just her eyes. If you let them continue to do this, it could be fatal.
9. Take a deep breath and send the oldest to her room. Sternly, because if you do it soft and nice, she comes back to peek around the corner of the bathroom where the littlest, wiggly one can see her in the mirror and she will throw her head back and burst into hysterical laughter. This will cause so much anxiety within you that you will snap. You will yell at the oldest to get her butt back into her room and ask the little one in a very loud voice, "Why can't you just keep your head still!!!!" This will cause the little one to cry and cause you to feel bad.
10. Take another deep breath. Go over to the radio and turn it on a rock song and blare the volume. This will drown out the cries coming out of the wiggly one.
11. Keep bringing down hair and putting some up and just snip away and trust God to guide your hand. You know He's not happy with you right now because of the way you just treated your children but you are going to have to have faith that He won't want you to ruin your child's hair and He will guide your hand through the rest of this process.
12. Just pray at this point and close your eyes. Snip away. Remind yourself that your child's hair is not completely straight and is kind of wavy so it will be okay if it's not perfect. Once you are done with the back, if your child has bangs, this is the time to do it.
13. Grab some hair from the top of her head and comb it all straight. Try your best to cut a straight line.
14. You are now done with the first haircut. Get your child down from the stool and let her run far, far away from you while you put your attention on the second one. Repeat steps 5-14. Then get yourself a drink. Unless it's like 11:30 in the morning. Then you put the kids to bed and have a nap yourself. Feel free to clean up your mess the next day.
15. Wake up from your nap and by this time your kid's hair should be dry. Cover your eyes and walk slowly towards your child and tell her to turn around. Peek through your fingers first to see if you did a good enough job to uncover your eyes completely to take it all in...
16. Pat yourself on the back because it turned out pretty good.
17. The final and most important step of all. Wake yourself up out of this horrible nightmare that you are having and pick up the phone. Instantly call your hairdresser to set up an appointment to take both of your kids in to get their haircut. Now you know that it is not worth trying to give your kids a haircut on your own.
In other news, I finally got my camera to UPS. They should get it tomorrow at 3:00 pm. Please cross your fingers that she can be fixed.